Bogeygolfer's Blog

Chapter 7. #1 Sphincter Hole

You have to love Kevin Costner’s line from “Tin Cup” on the 18th Hole when he says “look, the Tour Pro is laying up”. I believe that this single line in a movie has cost Golfers thousands of strokes, trying to get over the water or attempt a shot they simply do not have the ability to make. The impact of this movie line may only have been surpassed by the actor Paul Giamatti in the movie “Sideways” when he killed a wine varietal by proclaiming “I’m not drinking any f’ing Merlot.

But back to business; my own Sons have teased me endlessly on the Course for “laying up”. It is great to play Golf with young people and play fairways and greens and watch them turn a 6000 yard course into 8000 yards by thinking their Golf game is as immortal as they are. Part of the fun of Golf is to try shots that you are not sure you can make, but for my money the two most important words in Golf are “Course Management”. Only followed by the five most important words in Golf “where is the beer girl”.

Course management is nowhere more important than on the first hole of my home Golf Course Killian Greens in Miami. Who was the sick twisted SOB that designed this as the first hole on any course? The hole starts with a horizontal canal 80 yards off the tee box for anyone not able to get their first swing off the ground. A lake runs from 100 yards off the tee box all the way up the right fairway for the 85% of slicers in the world and then curves in front of the fairway at exactly 240 yards out, just in case you hit a great drive. If you hook the ball you will also end up in the water as another canal runs up the left side of the hole. Let’s assume for the moment that your first swing of the day is your best swing and you land in the fairway 20 yards in front of Lake Salamander. You then have a 150 yard bush (that is actually 160yards) and a shot over the 120 yards of lake to a thin green (8 paces across) protected by sand traps on the right and left.

Playing this Golf hole would be difficult if it were # nine or # eighteen but as the first hole it is extra difficult because your swing is not grooved and you are still finding your distances. If we were all smart we would play 2 nine irons and a seven iron and be happy with a Bogey or Double, but that would really be the pusillanimous way to attack the first hole. I play my Driver and aim toward the left bailout area away from all the water. If I hit the ball straight, I am further away from the green than I want to be but still in play and if I fade the ball (as normal), I am in a great place to attack the green. Sometimes the best laid plans still do not work and I pull the ball into the canal on the left or get a sweeping slice into the lake but you have to start somewhere. Normally I play my 11 metal from about 155 yards out for my second shot and hit the green once out of every 8 times I play this hole. If you offered me a bogey on the Tee box, I would take it every time and move on.

Just a note to the Course designers; #1 at the Blue Monster at Doral is the shortest Par 4 on the course and the Pro’s hit Driver, Wedge and the hole average is the lowest on the Course to Par. What a friendly way to start, you Bastards.

Chapter 8. Starting your slice out over the Alligators

Having grown up in Florida it is a fairly normal occurrence to see Gators on the Golf Course (If they are University of Florida Gators you are legally allowed to throw your club at them). At a recent PGA Golf Tournament, I saw Vijay Singh and Zach Johnson staring at a Gator off the green for a long period of time. I was surprised because I thought those guys would have seen thousand of them in the Course of their travels. I approached the Gator after the Pro’s had left and saw that this big boy was holding some kind of white bird in its mouth while its legs were still kicking. I guess that is worth a look and is not a bad reminder that Alligators do get hungry and are really fast out of the gate.

I’ll bet that I have at least bothered my share of animals as my Golf Balls have splashed down and ricocheted off of several trees in the woods. If you are a traditional slicer, you need to start your ball well out over the water or around a tree on the left to try and get the ball back onto the fairway. How do you like those tee boxes that are lined on the right and left with Palm Trees? I might as well throw my ball off the tee because it is either going to hit a tree and threaten human life or I am going to land in the fairway of a completely different golf hole. Having spent some time in the wrong fairways, it can be a benefit to have gone that far awry as long as oncoming Golfers do not use you as target practice. It always comforts my soul to see a Golfer in my fairway hitting back onto his own hole. I know I am not alone in the Universe.

The Second hole on my home Course is a 510 yard Par 5 that doglegs right on the second shot. Your drive needs to be on the left side of the fairway to have a clean look at the fairway. This hole sets up well for a draw on your drive but then a fade on the second shot. I can only move the ball one direction and must hit over the Alligators and through the power lines to land on the left side of the Fairway. Here is my point. Don’t be a hero and give up the fairway. Aim down the left side of the fairway and end up on the right side. Start your second shot left and fade the ball around the corner. Not being able to see your ball land on the second shot is less important than risking all that trouble off of the tee box. By the way, Twiggy’s breast is bigger than the Green on this hole which is also surrounded by Sand. You better be in the fairway with a short iron in your hand to have any chance to get on in regulation.

Course Management is different for Bogey Golfers than scratch Golfers. We do not know where the ball is going to go and need to plan for our misses. When in doubt on the tee box, fairway or green, do not give up safe space. I think it was Walter Hagen who said, “It is not how well we hit the good shots, it is how well we hit the bad shots”.

It is a little distracting to hear a Gator growl during your backswing

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