Chapter 7. #1 Sphincter Hole

You have to love Kevin Costner’s line from “Tin Cup” on the 18th Hole when he says “look, the Tour Pro is laying up”. I believe that this single line in a movie has cost Golfers thousands of strokes, trying to get over the water or attempt a shot they simply do not have the ability to make. The impact of this movie line may only have been surpassed by the actor Paul Giamatti in the movie “Sideways” when he killed a wine varietal by proclaiming “I’m not drinking any f’ing Merlot.

But back to business; my own Sons have teased me endlessly on the Course for “laying up”. It is great to play Golf with young people and play fairways and greens and watch them turn a 6000 yard course into 8000 yards by thinking their Golf game is as immortal as they are. Part of the fun of Golf is to try shots that you are not sure you can make, but for my money the two most important words in Golf are “Course Management”. Only followed by the five most important words in Golf “where is the beer girl”.

Course management is nowhere more important than on the first hole of my home Golf Course Killian Greens in Miami. Who was the sick twisted SOB that designed this as the first hole on any course? The hole starts with a horizontal canal 80 yards off the tee box for anyone not able to get their first swing off the ground. A lake runs from 100 yards off the tee box all the way up the right fairway for the 85% of slicers in the world and then curves in front of the fairway at exactly 240 yards out, just in case you hit a great drive. If you hook the ball you will also end up in the water as another canal runs up the left side of the hole. Let’s assume for the moment that your first swing of the day is your best swing and you land in the fairway 20 yards in front of Lake Salamander. You then have a 150 yard bush (that is actually 160yards) and a shot over the 120 yards of lake to a thin green (8 paces across) protected by sand traps on the right and left.

Playing this Golf hole would be difficult if it were # nine or # eighteen but as the first hole it is extra difficult because your swing is not grooved and you are still finding your distances. If we were all smart we would play 2 nine irons and a seven iron and be happy with a Bogey or Double, but that would really be the pusillanimous way to attack the first hole. I play my Driver and aim toward the left bailout area away from all the water. If I hit the ball straight, I am further away from the green than I want to be but still in play and if I fade the ball (as normal), I am in a great place to attack the green. Sometimes the best laid plans still do not work and I pull the ball into the canal on the left or get a sweeping slice into the lake but you have to start somewhere. Normally I play my 11 metal from about 155 yards out for my second shot and hit the green once out of every 8 times I play this hole. If you offered me a bogey on the Tee box, I would take it every time and move on.

Just a note to the Course designers; #1 at the Blue Monster at Doral is the shortest Par 4 on the course and the Pro’s hit Driver, Wedge and the hole average is the lowest on the Course to Par. What a friendly way to start, you Bastards.

Chapter 8. Starting your slice out over the Alligators

Having grown up in Florida it is a fairly normal occurrence to see Gators on the Golf Course (If they are University of Florida Gators you are legally allowed to throw your club at them). At a recent PGA Golf Tournament, I saw Vijay Singh and Zach Johnson staring at a Gator off the green for a long period of time. I was surprised because I thought those guys would have seen thousand of them in the Course of their travels. I approached the Gator after the Pro’s had left and saw that this big boy was holding some kind of white bird in its mouth while its legs were still kicking. I guess that is worth a look and is not a bad reminder that Alligators do get hungry and are really fast out of the gate.

I’ll bet that I have at least bothered my share of animals as my Golf Balls have splashed down and ricocheted off of several trees in the woods. If you are a traditional slicer, you need to start your ball well out over the water or around a tree on the left to try and get the ball back onto the fairway. How do you like those tee boxes that are lined on the right and left with Palm Trees? I might as well throw my ball off the tee because it is either going to hit a tree and threaten human life or I am going to land in the fairway of a completely different golf hole. Having spent some time in the wrong fairways, it can be a benefit to have gone that far awry as long as oncoming Golfers do not use you as target practice. It always comforts my soul to see a Golfer in my fairway hitting back onto his own hole. I know I am not alone in the Universe.

The Second hole on my home Course is a 510 yard Par 5 that doglegs right on the second shot. Your drive needs to be on the left side of the fairway to have a clean look at the fairway. This hole sets up well for a draw on your drive but then a fade on the second shot. I can only move the ball one direction and must hit over the Alligators and through the power lines to land on the left side of the Fairway. Here is my point. Don’t be a hero and give up the fairway. Aim down the left side of the fairway and end up on the right side. Start your second shot left and fade the ball around the corner. Not being able to see your ball land on the second shot is less important than risking all that trouble off of the tee box. By the way, Twiggy’s breast is bigger than the Green on this hole which is also surrounded by Sand. You better be in the fairway with a short iron in your hand to have any chance to get on in regulation.

Course Management is different for Bogey Golfers than scratch Golfers. We do not know where the ball is going to go and need to plan for our misses. When in doubt on the tee box, fairway or green, do not give up safe space. I think it was Walter Hagen who said, “It is not how well we hit the good shots, it is how well we hit the bad shots”.

It is a little distracting to hear a Gator growl during your backswing

Introduction:

Lorena Ochoa sucks. I mean that in the most complimentary way. Ms. Ochoa is 5 feet almost nothing and 120lbs. soaking wet and can hit a drive 300 yards. I am 6 feet and a robust 235lbs. and am lucky to break 230 yards with a wind at my back. I wanted to write this book because I cannot learn anything from Lorena Ochoa explaining her swing tips in “Golf Magazine” or on “The Golf Channel”. Lorena’s swing looks like Gumby on Steroids and mine looks like Tim Conway’s “Old Man” character from “The Carol Burnett” show.

Golf books are always written from a Professional’s perspective with pictures of the “perfect swing” and include Golf Course views from Pebble Beach or Augusta. Well, most of us will never play those courses and we have to play the game God gave us. I wanted to share my love of this incredible game but from the perspective of a bogey golfer. I wanted to share my views of course management when you are not hitting a Sand Wedge into a 400 yard par four on your second shot and I wanted to show the views I see on my local community golf course. You really have not lived until you see if your Golf Cart can out run the lady in her bathrobe chasing you down the fairway after slicing your drive through her screened patio on #4. I do not speak Chinese but I can tell a swear word in any language.

I would guess that my golfing biography is as unremarkable as thousands of other golfers. I am 52 years old and have played golf since I used to sneak onto the “West Nine” behind my home in Plainfield New Jersey at age 9 or 10. I remember taking only three individual lessons over the years and the rest is self taught/untaught.

My family moved to Miami when I was 12 and it did give me a 12 month golfing window of opportunity which I have taken advantage of, on and off. I played a lot of golf in my teens and forties with life taking over in the interim. I have probably averaged about one round of golf a month over the course of time. Today my handicap is 16 but I rarely break 90 on unfamiliar courses and shoot low 80’s on my home course. I did have one hole in one, while playing with two of my sons Mike and Brian on Mother’s Day 2006 at Calusa Country Club, Hole #3. It was 163 yards, wind in my face with a Cobra 9 metal (you never forget the details of that moment).

There is a picture of me taking the ball out of the hole but unfortunately I am holding my putter because I did not see the ball go into the cup. I really want a second one where I see the ball the whole way. These days due to poor physical fitness and age my game has changed significantly. I hit more fairways off of the tee box but that is because I hit the ball only 80% as far as I once did. I am an ex-slicer with bouts of recurrence and I use a Texas wedge from 30 yards out if there is nothing in the way.

I want to take this opportunity to thank my wife Nancy and Children Carolyn, Michael, Christopher, Brian and Eric for playing golf with me and putting up with endless Golf on TV. I also want to thank all my bosses over the years for not catching me playing golf while I was supposed to be working. I hope you all enjoy my “Views from a Bogey Golfer”.

*In editing this text my Brother in Law (who knows less about Golf than most people do about Nuclear Fission) asked me to define what a Bogey Golfer is for the uninformed reader. Here goes: A Bogey is one shot over par on a single golf hole. i.e. On a Par 3 hole it takes you 4 shots to get the ball in the cup. Since there are 18 holes on a normal Golf Course, Bogey golf is 18 over par or 90 on a Par 72 Golf Course. A Bogey Golfer is someone with a USGA Handicap Index of 18 or someone that normally shoots around 90 on a Golf Course with a Slope rating of 113. If he asks anymore questions like that during the writing of this book, I will beat him with my Niblick.

John's normal view of the green